Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
You Might Also Like
i will not be silenced
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda