My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
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We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.