The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
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ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.