My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
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Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Sing it!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.