Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
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[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.