The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
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[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?