HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
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My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Bring back the McRib