“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
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Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up