*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
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The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty