Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
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My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
oh u like geography? name every lake
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago