Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
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It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Me too 😆
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend