[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
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judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]