Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
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“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.