PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
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My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
PLOT TWIST:
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
girls literally only want one thing..
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.