If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
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At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Meat Cute
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.