wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
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Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I am laughing way too hard at this.
How to woo a woman
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I think we should hear other voices.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
called in thicc to work this morning
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.