I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
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My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
who wants to go expliring
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
synchronized noseblowing
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit