That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
You Might Also Like
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?