Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
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EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Who needs an Air Fryer?
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*