[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
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The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters