They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
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I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
United Steaks of America
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly