Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
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GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk