Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
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My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Received some very disappointing news today
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable