The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
You Might Also Like
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Seems a bit forward