The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
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I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
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My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I’ve been drinking.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.