Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
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🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence