Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
You Might Also Like
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.