I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
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Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
SCARY COSTUME
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.