My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
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Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?