Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
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Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
the only organized thing in my life is crime
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra