ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
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Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.