I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
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Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Duck typos.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Happy Caturday!
Brilliant!
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.