I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
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me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.