Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
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Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.