Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
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ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.