I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
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[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.