Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
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Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”