The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
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The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.