You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
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You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
#FunnyLife Insects
Bit chilly again tonight.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries