A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
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“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
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my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
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her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
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When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
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I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
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This might be me.
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I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
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9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
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ME: is… is that good?
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Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance