I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
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JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time