You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
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Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
#Caturday
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.