Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
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Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
absolute chaos
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”