Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
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JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Simple
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it