My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
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Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”