The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
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“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey