I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
You Might Also Like
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!