the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
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When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
accurate
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
KFC hitting the cannibal market
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener