“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
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My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
🙄😏😂🤣
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!