Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
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‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
All. The. Damn. Time.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Autocorrect is my menesis
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away